A Dozen Days of Doula Scoop: Day 2

Does a doula replace dad in the delivery room?

Many expectant parents are rightly concerned that a doula might take dad's place at the birth of their baby. After all, this is a special day for dad as much as it is for mom, for although mom will be the one pushing the baby into the world, dad is welcoming his child as well. Parents worry that a doula will swoop in, taking over all the comfort measures, and slowly but surely elbowing dad aside. In reality, the presence of a doula almost always enhances dad's role at the birth. She gives dad gentle instructions when he isn't sure what to try. She offers him information when the burden of decision making falls on him. She makes it possible for dad to take a guilt-free bathroom or snack break, knowing he is not leaving mom to labor alone. And yes, when labor gets dicey and dad find himself overwhelmed by the intensity of the moment, the doula is there to step in and help them both get through the moment. The way my trainer described it is that a doula fills in the gaps. We never interrupt what dad and mom are doing as long as it is working. We carefully observe the dynamics of the relationship and then fill in the gaps as needed.

What a doula does at a birth is also greatly impacted by dad's birth personality. Some dads really want to be involved in the process. They want to be the one wiping mom's forehead with a cool washcloth, applying counterpressure, and giving foot massages. Doulas are there to hand these dads the washcloths or lotion, or spell them when their arms are about to give out. Other dads just want to be there. What these dads really want is the freedom to be present for the birth of their baby without the pressure of being mom's sole support. For these dads, a doula can remove a lot of stress, allowing them to actively participate as much, or as little, as they feel comfortable doing.

I think the emotions dads experience at birth are an often neglected aspect of the process. Somehow everyone gets so focused on mom (as I told my husband while pregnant with Daniel, "I'm the one having the baby here!") that it's easy to forget that a father is born every time a child comes into this world. As a doula, I want to make sure my moms and dads can look back on their babies' birth with joy.

Doulas are pro-dad, just as we are pro-mom and pro-baby!

You complete me...

I think one of the reasons God gives us spouses is to compensate for gaping holes in our personal abilities. In our five and a half years of marriage, I've seen a few of the ways God has made Stephen able to do things I can't, and me to do things he can't. Here's a few examples:

1. Stephen rips things, I mend them.
I don't know why, but I just don't rip my clothes. I can't remember the last item of clothes I ripped. However, Stephen periodically rips his clothes, sometimes in very odd ways, like the day he managed to rip the middle of the back of his shirt. I then use my sewing skills to make the most unobtrusive repair possible so he can keep wearing it.

2. I have tech-no-clue, Stephen is a tech guru.
I am literally like an old person when it comes to anything computer, touch screen, iPhone, etc. (This blog is the most progressive thing I do, and these days, blogs are the new email.) Any given day you may find me saying something along the lines of "What's with these newfangled contraptions?" or "I don't see anything wrong with version 7.2. Why do we need version 7.3?" I can no longer operate Stephen's phone because it's a touchscreen that I don't even know how to turn on. Anytime I have to call someone on Stephen's phone, he has to dial for me and hand it to me ringing. Stephen, on the other hand, enjoys new technologies, and if he doesn't know what to do with a new one, he soon figures it out. He has an iTouch and a Kindle and would have other techie stuff if we could afford it.

3. Stephen loses things; I find them.
Sometimes he also can't find things he didn't lose. He says it's because he's tall, but I don't understand why he can't see the cheese on the top shelf of the refrigerator. All you have to do is bend over, right? Although maybe I have rubbed off on him a little, because he isn't losing things as much these days. What a relief.

4. I stare at things that are broken; Stephen fixes them.
Like the cabinet door that was hanging by one screw. I'm intimidated by power tools. I like having a man around the house who handles man stuff. What a luxury!

I'm so thankful God made us to complete each other.

A Dozen Days of Doula Scoop: Day 1

I just spent two days, sunrise to sunset (and after), fully immersed in the world of birth, and the down and dirty details of being a doula. Of course, being me, I loved it all. Also being me, I want to share! So, rather than one obscenely long post in which I attempt to cover everything I learned, I thought I'd do twelve posts covering some of the different topics we talked about over the weekend.

Why have a doula at your birth, anyway?

You have already chosen a doctor or midwife, you know you will have a labor and delivery nurse at the hospital, you will have your husband and maybe your mom with you at your birth. Why in the world would you want to have a doula at this very intimate life event? Well, would you like to avoid a cesarean? One study showed simply having a doula at her birth reduced a mother's odds of cesarean by 45 percent. Are you trying to have a natural birth? Doulas reduced moms' usage of all pain medications by 31 percent, even women who were not planning an unmedicated birth. Having a doula there reduced their pain perception so much that they simply didn't need it. To put it simply, having a doula is a risk-free way to reduce labor interventions and the risks inherent in those interventions. One of the reasons a doula can provide such outstanding reductions in labor interventions is her continuous support of the mom. No other care provider in our current birth world is able to be with the mom continuously. Doctors tend to pop in only for vaginal exams and to catch the baby. Nurses are often overstretched, having to monitor two or more moms in labor in addition to managing the hospital paperwork. Even Certified Nurse Midwives, who often long to provide a higher standard of care, usually can't stay with mom for the entire duration of her labor. Doulas can. Doulas are not focused on performing any of the clinical tasks that need to be done to insure a safe birth. We are there to make sure mom has a satisfying birth. (I can say that, because I'm a doula now! Yay!) The continuous support of a doula has also been shown to shorten labor. Do you want a shorter labor? Yeah, me too. Worth the trade-off of sharing this most precious life event with yet another person? I think so. Do you?

Do you love the same things I do?

A perfectly ripe peach
The kind that drips down your chin, your neck, and down the collar of your shirt.

Harry Potter series
They were gripping, suspenseful, vivid, and thrilling. I'm afraid the movies were not of the same caliber.

Cooking
There's something to thrilling about taking many unrelated ingredients and creating a delicious dish from them.

Bacon
It's crispy, it's salty. What's not to love? I'm a little bit of a bacon snob though, because I only buy the nitrate free version, and I never, never purchase turkey bacon (too soggy).

Fall
Not too hot, not too cold. Like Goldilocks, I want my weather to be just right. I also love those brilliant salmon colored maple leaves.

Birth
It's sweaty, it's bloody, sometimes there's throw-up. Mom gives it all she has to get what she wants most. There's nothing like that moment where suddenly there's another person in the room.

Home
Staying there. Returning from being away. Being snowed in.

Sleeping
Once I became a parent, I discovered sleep is perhaps the greatest luxury item. (Honey, forget the diamonds. All I really want is for you to keep the kids so I can get a few extra hours in my bed.)

Boys
I have three, all sweet.

Jesus
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, but He has always been there, and He always will be.

Yucky Words

I'm a word person. I like to read them; I like to write them. But I don't like all words. Some words just sound yucky. I don't like to say them.

Here are a few words I think should be removed from the English language.

Moist
Just try saying it out loud. Sounds yucky doesn't it?

Preggers/Preggo
You may be a redneck if...these are the words you choose to tell people you're pregnant! In a stunning but not totally unexpected contradiction, the word "preggie" doesn't bother me at all. I actually find it a little bit cute.

Buttocks
Especially when used to refer to people. What are we, livestock?

Eczema
I have a particular aversion to this word for other reasons, but it's also just not a pretty word.

Acne
Do we have to make people with this condition feel even worse by using such an ugly word to describe it?

Tits
Rhymes with zits. 'Nuff said.

There's also a few words I like to say, but don't have occasion to use much in real life.
Goodly
Vanquished
Aura
Gorgeous
Epic
Abhor
Wrought (Did you know that "wrought" is past tense of work? I didn't, at least until I looked it up in an online dictionary.)
Persay

I'm seeing a trend here. Can anyone say, in the days of King Arthur?

Hidden benefits

Holidays are all about food, aren't they? At least, that's what my family thinks. We like to celebrate with meals. Thanksgiving means a groaning table that could probably feed a hungry family for a couple of weeks. Seriously. My grandmother, two aunts, mother, and now me, all think as we're cooking our respective dishes that there just might not be enough. It's not one pan of dressing, it's two. We have three or four big bowls of different salads. Of course a giant turkey, plus a ham. And then there are sides, usually six or seven of those. And I would never, never forget the dessert. How could I, when it is a spread to dazzle the eye? A couple of cakes, three or four pies, maybe a cheesecake, and other stuff. Needless to say, we usually just lie around and groan for a couple of hours afterward.

We like food at other holidays too. Christmas means baking, Valentine's equals chocolate, Easter calls for a big family dinner with such dishes as macaroni and cheese (something with cheese, definitely), July 4th, we have to grill out, and birthdays mean birthday cake! I have definitely had my share of tight pants following the holidays. However, this year has been an anomaly in my life. Following the allergen free diet (for Daniel's sake) pretty much eliminated all fattening foods from the menu. Thanksgiving dinner was meat, potatoes, and veggies, just as most of are meals are these days. Christmas Eve dinner was (you guessed it), meat, potatoes, and veggies. As for dessert, I didn't have anything. Not even the delicious cherry sorbet that is one of the few desserts containing no allergens. I decided since I was already having a rather austere holiday spread, I would give up all sugar, which is something I'm always trying to do. I have a terrible sweet tooth, but eating sugar makes me feel terrible. I felt like my body needed a break from refined sugar. Apart from the actually week of Christmas, when some maple sugar and cherry sorbet did enter my mouth, I have not eaten sugar since before Thanksgiving.

So knowing that I was not indulging myself, although I certainly didn't count calories or limit food consumption of acceptable foods (for allergy purposes), maybe you won't hate me when I say that I was maybe the only person who lost weight (six pounds to be exact) over the holidays. I didn't work at it, I didn't agonize, I just did what I needed to do for my little Daniel, with the happy side effect of surpassing my post-Nathan weight loss. I'm only about two pounds heavier than I was on my wedding day (the thinnest I have ever been, mainly due to the stress of trying to graduate and plan a wedding three weeks after graduation day), although I still can't fit into some of my snuggest pants. Pregnancy just made me mushier, especially those three inches right below my belly button. But other than the post-preggy mush, I'm fitter than ever. It's been three months since we cut out all the allergy-provoking foods, and the diet, while difficult, has not been without benefits. So thank you allergy diet for making me thin again!

Photo Shoots

Every Christmas since Nathan was born, I have taken a nice picture for the grandparents as their Christmas present. The first year (just Nathan, who was not yet walking) was not all that difficult. I nestled him in an obliging tree trunk and simply tried to capture every adorable expression. The second year I found myself a bit more challenged with a child capable of walking and running, but at least with one, I could simply follow him around and snap photos every time he looked in my direction. Last year, Nathan was old enough to follow directions (sometimes), and Daniel was not yet mobile, so the main problem was trying to get them smiling at the same time (or at least not crying). Nonetheless, every year I have been able to come up with a cute picture worthy of framing.

This year, photographing my children reached an entirely new level of difficulty. Nathan was mostly very obliging, but Daniel was cranky and wherever I put him, he would immediately get up and walk straight towards me. You photographers out there know that the one place it is impossible to photograph someone (short of an expensive specialized lens) is six inches from your face. That's pretty much the only place Daniel wanted to be and the only place he wasn't crying. I had them dressed in their matching shirts, and really wanted to get a picture before the shirts got dirty. I knew I only had about a thirty minute window (or less). Since Daniel wouldn't sit in the chair I had set up for them, I got a little desperate and as Daniel was running around, started telling Nathan, "Put your head next to Daniel's, now over there, okay, put it next to Daniel's head." Needless to say, there was a lot of crazy running around for several minutes. Finally, Nathan lunged over Daniel and I snapped the picture at just the right moment before Nathan fell over on top of Daniel. Crying ensued. I rushed to the computer to see if I had anything--anything at all! As luck would have it (or perhaps a miracle of God for a poor tired mom), I got this picture.